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Dear Drunken A-holes,

I just wanted to say “thanks”! I have been going to Steeler games, as well as Penguin, and Pirates games along side you for the past 25 years or so and I’ve rarely spoken to you. I know you must think I’m a “sissy” for not drinking or drinking in moderation and NOT doing hardcore things like drinking until I can’t walk straight or doing beer bongs in the parking lot. Oh well…maybe you will like me better after this “thank you” letter.

Thank You…for taking your shirt off in 20 degree weather! No seriously…the rest of us can’t get enough of your man boobs and beer bellies! I also am equally thankful for you avoiding any kind of physical exercise, I would hate for you to actually take time away from your beer drinking!

Thank You…for screaming obscenities around any of the children or elderly people that come to the games…that is classic! I mean what are kids doing at the games anyways? If they’re not old enough to drink, they should just stay home! A sporting event is no place for kids or old people. What’s an elderly person going to do in a fist fight with opposing fans anyways, hit them with their cane?

Thank You…for making a kids first experience at a game miserable so they never want to come back, especially any young girls! That is awesome, like I said before, kids need to stay home and dream about the day when they are old enough to drink to the point of unconsciousness. They can spend three hours each Sunday practicing beer bongs with their koolaid just to get them ready for their big day!

Thank You…for getting someone else’s season tickets for one game and showing the people that have been going to the games for thirty years how they should be acting.Without you, they would have no one to teach them how to spill beer down people backs in front of them, how to high five after every good play while keeping your balance . . . even though you are too drunk to stand up, and how to start a fight with anyone cheering for the other team that makes eye contact with you. I always have a better time when it feels like a fight could happen at any moment. Thanks for that one!

Thank You…for belittling the opponents fans every time the Steelers make a play and saying “your team is gay!” anytime the other team scores a touchdown or makes an interception. That is so classy! Only you can be so witty and weave a little gay bashing in to the fun. I mean of course they are gay if they’re not the Steelers, right? Wow, you are really on top of your game! Nice work!

Thank You…for screaming “lets goooooooooooo” nonstop, at the top of your lungs, before every play. Everyone knows that the Steelers would never be able to function without that! I’m pretty sure that Big Ben even said before that “We would of never won that Superbowl if it wasn’t for that guy up in section 506 screaming for us. We always seem to play better knowing that he’s there supporting us!” A guy like me just doesn’t get it, I’m not hardcore like you. I only scream every once in a while, during the real important times in the game. Thanks for giving me something to strive for. I’m not saying that I could ever be as awesome as you, but I can always dream!

Thank You…for bringing your buddy, who is even louder and drunker than you! How could two such “hardcore” fans be in the same place at once! We all love getting to see how real fans are supposed to act. You guys rule! Thanks for setting the bar so high!

And finally Thank You…for going back to your truck after the game and drinking a little more before driving home drunk! Nice!!! I’ve even seen you get in to an all out brawl with…get this, not only the other teams fans but also other Steeler fans! It didn’t even matter to you that there were little kids around, screw them anyways, they need to learn how a real man acts in public! Right?

All I can say is that the city of Pittsburgh and all of our sports teams, as well as the wannabes like me, are so proud of you! You guys rock!

Thank you again Drunken A-holes!

Kelly

Note: I wrote this letter of appreciation after watching a drunken A-hole at the Steelers-Ravens game basically do everything that I talked about in the letter above. To me it is totally ridiculous that you can’t go to a sporting event, especially a Steeler game with your kids and or wife, without witnessing this kind of behavior. I’m not against drinking at a game, or anywhere else, I do it myself. I’m just against the type of idiotic behavior that I see every time I go to a game. Drink a little, yes, but come on man. If you can’t drink in moderation, just stay home and do it in private. Besides, you can kick the dog and punch a hole in the wall of your shack, without anyone even knowing.