Well. Let’s be honest, no matter how you analyze it, The Pirates are terrible. So instead of wondering how to make them a better team, why not watch some of these videos. They will make you feel a little better and don’t worry after you’re done watching them, the Pirates will still suck.

Do Unto Others: Messing With People In A Public Restroom

This one’s good. The best part is when the guy shares the urinal with the other guy!

The guy at the 24 second mark is hilarious! I think I may do some of these tomorrow at the gym!

I don’t know what it is about fart jokes. It doesn’t matter how old I get, I still think it’s hilarious!

I saved the best for last! Check out these job interview tactics. My son Cory graduates from Penn State next month, I’m going to let him know about how to act during his next job interview!

Ok. That’s enough of that. Now let’s see if the Pittsburgh Pirates are still a terrible team. Uh, yep. . . . They are, told you they would be.

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I know I haven’t wrote much on here lately. I have been very busy with my other blog, Fitness Overhaul and to be honest am a little disgusted with the whole sporting world recently. I had a bunch of stuff that I was going to write about the Pirates sucking and instead of them sucking, they are actually doing pretty decent.

I was going to write about the Pens and Crosby being the best player, but I’ve been told that I write too much about Crosby. That being said, he’s one of the reasons that the Pens and Sens are tied at one game a piece. Also, I would like to say to the rest of the so called fans out there, Get off of Fleury’s back! If it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t of one the Stanley Cup last year. I love listening to armchair goalies that are probably more nonathletic than Mark Madden, call in to radio shows saying how bad number 29 is. Give me a break, guys. Who really cares about the guys stats, he’s still a winner. I know that he lets in some soft goals, but what goalie doesn’t?

For all of the Fleury bashers out there, who do you think that the Flyers or even the Caps would like to have in the net for their team? If you asked them to switch goalies, they would do it in a heartbeat.

Ok, on to Ben. I really don’t even know what to say about this guy anymore. I know he can throw a football, but beyond that, he hasn’t showed that he can do much of anything else good. Like function as an adult and be a productive part of society, maybe?

Who knows what this guy will do next. Of course, I don’t know what really happened in that bathroom. As it turns out with how drunk that girl was, she may not even know for sure. The one thing that I do know is that this guy has a history of putting himself in stupid situations. I hope that he can get his act together and concentrate more on football and less on partying.

Oh well, that’s my take on sports in Pittsburgh this past week or so. Lets go Pens! Lets go Buccos! And Ben, please just stay in the house for awhile!

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Well, as much as I have been pounding the Pirates ownership on this blog, I have to give the Pirates credit. They actually played like a team today, pitched decent, and even produced some offense.

Who would of thought?

Owner Bob Nutting, was quoted as saying, “What’s up now bitches? All you guys said that we couldn’t play winning baseball. We’re at 1.000%, we are winners! It’s been an amazing run and an incredible year!

I felt embarrassed for him whenever someone told him that the year is actually just beginning. He said, “Well what about all of those other games we played down in Florida earlier? They have to count for something, don’t they?

What a sad, sorry, little man.

Oh well, good job Buccos. You are undefeated! Where do we buy playoff tickets at?

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Well, I guess anyone that has followed the Pirates this spring would know that it was inevitable. The Pirates cut struggling pitcher, Kevin Hart this past week. He had an ERA this spring of 15.43 and walked 17 batters in the eight innings that he pitched.

This is going to be a familiar sight at the Pirate games again this year. Hey, Hey, Hey, Buccos go all the way!

Big deal, they should of kept him. He was the only chance that the Pittsburgh Pirates had at having a “heart” this year. It’s moves like this that make you wonder what they are up to. If they want to continue to suck year after year, they are going to need guys like Kevin Hart. If they were smart they would try and get Derek Bell back in the lineup. Remember how pissed we were whenever he said that he was on “operation shutdown”?

Little did we know back then, that the Pittsburgh Pirates as an organization were also on “operation shutdown”! In a way you have to give them credit though. It’s not easy being this bad for this long. You really have to work at being such a joke for so long. You figure with the law of numbers, eventually they would win at least one game over .500. Nope, not them. They are real winners when it comes to being losers!

So earlier, the Pirates were looking at Church and Jesus and know it’s official they will play with no Hart.

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Don’t ask me why, but I actually tried to watch the Pirate exhibition game today. I was wading through endless receipts getting ready to see my accountant on Friday for tax time. I figured while I was going to be stuck in the house all day getting more and more frustrated about how much money we give the IRS, why not let the Pirates make it even worse? I couldn’t even watch the stupid game because it was canceled due to rain! Oh well, I doubt that we missed much.

Instead I watched Lady Gaga in London. She’s kind of a whackadoo, but during the interview, she actually talked a little normal. I guess after seeing her perform on a few shows and videos, I just figured her head would start spinning and she would start talking in tongues! She’s one of those people that even while you’re looking at them, you still don’t know what they look like. I can’t really tell if she’s hot or just a whackadoo. I’m leaning towards wackadoo, though. Although she could be a hot wackadoo, but I’m not sure.

I think as the Pirate season starts and progresses, I’ll probably rather watch Lady Gaga more. It’s kind of like beer goggles at a bar. Instead of the alcohol making the girls look better, the Pirates will make anything seem like a better choice, even Lady Gaga!

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As Pirates spring training gets under way and I try to muster a little bit of enthusiasm about the coming year, I can’t help but think of a dog I used to have called “Buddy”. Let me tell you a little about this dog and explain why the Pirates are so similar to him.

As it is any time you get a new pet, our relationship with Buddy started out with great enthusiasm and happiness. “What a cute puppy!” . . . “He’s going to be a great dog!” . . . “I’m so glad we finally got another dog!” These were all things that could be heard in my house the first few days of having Buddy. Well, it all went down hill from there.

Buddy was the biggest pain in the ass, destructive, nightmare of a dog that was ever conceived. No matter how many chew toys, you got him, he loved to chew anything that was of any value in our house. If we put him in his crate while we were away for a few hours, he would piss in it. I’m pretty sure that dogs are hardwired not to do this! If you opened the door even a crack, he would do his best to knock you down so he could get out and roll in anything that was dead. We had him for a year and after he knocked my wife down the steps while she was 8  months pregnant, because he heard a knock on the door, we took him back to the Humane Society. There was a lot of training and attempts to teach this dog to not act this way, so in case some dick from PETA tries to say that we shouldn’t of gave him back, don’t bother.

” I can’t stand that dog!” . . . “Please, can we get rid of him?” . . . “This dog is possessed by demons!” These were all things that could be heard after living with Buddy for a year.

So, back to why Buddy and the Pirates are so similar. In my mind a dog, or any pet for that matter, is supposed to bring joy and happiness in to your life and your household. This dog brought nothing but misery. The Pirates or any other sports team should also bring you happiness. They should be fun to watch, fun to go and see play live, and not piss you off every time you hear about their latest sorry ass roster move.

You need to love, feed, groom, and provide a nice place for your dog to live.

Using the Buddy = Pirates metaphor, you need to love (Support the team), feed (Buy tickets and go to the games), and provide a nice place for the Pirates to live (PNC Park paid for by the taxpayers!) As with Buddy, we have done our part and whenever it got unbearable, we got rid of him. We gave him back to the Humane Society in hopes that someone that was better skilled at living with dogs from hell, could do a better job than we were doing.

Well, haven’t we been doing our part for the Pirates? Haven’t we done all of the things above? We still go to the games even though we know what the results are going to be. The Pirates play in the greatest ball park in MLB, and some of us suckers, still hold out hope that this year is going to be different and maybe they can win. After 17 losing seasons and no end in site, can we please get someone better skilled at running a Major league team? We don’t want to get rid of the Pirates, we just want ownership that is better at leading the Pirates out of this nightmare.

Just like Buddy, we keep believing that things are going to change. . . . Just like Buddy, the Pirates keep shitting in the corner of the living room.

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Well I’m sure by now you have heard that Mario Lemieux is interested in buying the Pittsburgh Pirates. At least that’s the rumor that’s going around. It doesn’t surprise me because Mario always seems to want to do what’s in the best interest of the city of Pittsburgh. As a business man, he of course wishes to make some money out of it also. He is entitled to make as much as he can from any business venture that he goes in to. The difference between him and the current Pirates owner, Bob Nutting, is that Mario will find a way to make the Pirates competitive and also make money.

Nutting on the other hand, can’t seem to do either. He sure hasn’t made them competitive and if you listen to him, he isn’t making any money. It has been said that the Pirates payroll in 2010 will be around 35 million, which is low even for a small market team. It would seem that the current ownership figures that if they are going to lose 100 games each year, why not make some money from it. If you’re losing 100 games with mediocre players, why not lose 100 with total scrubs? To me it seems that they are just giving up and hoping for a miracle. Read the rest of this entry »

After seventeen straight losing seasons in a row, the Pittsburgh Pirates are looking to Church and Jesus for help next year! I can’t say as I blame them, most of the fans in Pittsburgh have been praying for a winning season for years. It’s about time that Pirates ownership finally tries something new.

Before you get too excited and pull your WWJD bracelets out of the drawer, you need to know that it’s not the real Jesus, Its Jesus Brito. Yeah, he’s a minor league infielder from the Cleveland organization. As with anything the Pirates do, they can’t even get the real good Jesus! As far as Saviors go, he’s the only Jesus that the Pirates are willing to sign. If you want to know what would Jesus do? (WWJD) He would most likely play for the Yankees or Red Sox! Even the real Jesus knows he can’t save a sinking ship.

On a brighter note, the Pirates also have a Church in the organization now. This should make some people feel good going to a game on Sunday this year. Seeing Jesus and Church together on Sunday at the ballpark may be as close to worshiping as some fans will get. Ryan Church is an outfielder that was with Atlanta last year. He has had injury problems through the years, but when healthy, is a pretty good ball player. Maybe if he gets injured again this year, he could look to Jesus for healing.

While searching for information on baseball players names, I came up with a few that sound like they should be in a 70’s porno movie. These guys were all real major league baseball players and these are their real names!

Johnny Dickshot: played for the Pirates from 1936-1938

Rusty Kuntz: won a world series with Detroit in 1984

Charlie Fuchs: pitcher for the Detroit Tigers in 1942

Well that’s all for now, folks. Don’t know how I did it, but somehow I referenced Jesus, the church, and old porno movies all in the same post!

During a brainstorming session with Pirates executives, a plan was formed to make the Pirates more competitive. They are trying to get Major League Baseball to handicap each team, similar to golf, to make baseball more fair for all. Bob Nutting was quoted as saying, “As bad as we are we should get spotted 25 or 30 wins at the beginning of each season. I just don’t think that it’s fair that some of the other owners aren’t afraid to spend money just so they can win. Also the small market teams that are winning just have a lot smarter people in their front office. Why should I have to suffer for that?”

Asked if he thinks that the Pirates would have a winning record if this new plan goes in to effect, he responded with “Are you kidding me, have you ever watched us play? It’s gonna take a lot more than this for us to start winning games, I guess miracles do happen though! It may get these fans off of my back for a while though! It’s a shame, back in the good ole days, ownership was able to tell them anything and they would fall for it! Now, they actually want a solid plan and want me to spend money. I’ll tell you, it’s crazy! I can see that they’re crying on all of the radio talk shows, but all I hear is blah, blah, blah, blah!”

This is a funny video that shows a creative way to pick up girls. It’s not really practical, but still funny though. After watching this and seeing the extremes that guys will go to just to get a date, I find myself appreciating my wife and marriage even more. After being married for a few years right out of high school, me and Tammy split up for over five years. I was forced in to the dating scene and wow, did it suck!

From a guys point of view that never wanted to get divorced in the first place, it was amazing the whack jobs that I met out there. (The funny thing is that there is probably a girl from my past saying the same thing to herself as she thinks back about me!) People always say that the grass is always greener on the other side, well take it from someone that has been through it, that’s rarely true!

Check out this guy’s game!
I wouldn’t have the nads to do this and thank god I don’t have to.